Boomerang Kids — Coming Back to the Nest

Are you still parenting your “boomerang kids” or your adult children?
Do you feel burdened in your role of parent?

A large segment of the American public, the “boomer generation,” will soon receive a social security check.  Many expected to be empty nesters and enjoy an easier, more relaxed life.  Instead, as they are coping with their own health and money issues, they are also dealing with their grown children’s problems, often under their own roof.  They may be parenting their “boomerang kid” who has returned home after college and shows no sign of leaving or dealing with their older child who lives on her/his own but is financially or emotionally dependent. 

If you are one of these parents, you may be asking yourself some of the following questions:

1. How do I deal with my boomerang son/daughter who has unexpectedly returned   home after college?
   
2. What is my role now as a parent to my adult son/daughter?
   
   
3. How do I parent my adult son/daughter in a firm, caring way that will not be experienced as controlling or interfering?
   
   
4. How can I be helpful but not too helpful?  How will I know when to offer assistance and advice and when to stop?
   
   
5. How can I take care of myself, love my children and yet not automatically help with money, advice and suggestions?
   
   
6. How do I cope with my disappointment and feelings of loss?
   
   
7. How do I resolve my feelings of selfishness and guilt because I can enjoy a pleasant life style when my children can’t?
   
   
8. What do I do when I don't approve of his/her choice of partner, life style or parenting?
   
   
9. What tools do I need to avoid unnecessary conflict and tension, cope with negative reactions without escalating the situation and still maintain a positive connection with family members?
   
   
10. How do I preserve my relationship with my partner and resolve our difference in parenting?

Inevitable family tensions and misunderstandings will be diminished if you have the understanding and tools you need to cope. 

 Some things to remember:

• Preserve your relationship with your partner
• Create house rules for your boomerang child that work for you and include responsibilities for him
• Learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills
• Spend time taking care of yourself

The therapists at MPFC have helped many parents of adult children sort out their feelings, address their issues and find solutions that work.

If you are a parent having a difficult time in any of these areas, come in and talk to one of our experienced therapists. 

Call us at: 212 –228 - 2929



Stress, Part 2

In this article:

• What can I do about stress?
• Step 1: Identify the Sources of Stress in Your Life
• Step 2: Discover Ways to Reduce the Stress in Your Life
• Learn healthy ways to relieve stress
• Stress Reduction Activities You May Explore
• Step 3: Learn Healthy Attitudes and Behaviors to Relieve Stress
• We are Wired for Connection
• Suggestions to Help You Change Stress Inducing Attitudes, Beliefs, Feelings and Behaviors:
• When Should I Seek Help to Deal With My Stress?

You can better manage your stress by implementing the following three steps:

1. Identify the sources of stress in your life
2. Discover ways to reduce the stress in your life
3. Learn healthy attitudes and behaviors to relieve stress

Step 1: Identify the Sources of Stress in Your Life

The first step is to slow down, and step back from the stressful situations as if looking from a long distance. Slow your breathing by gently breathing from your belly instead of your chest. Take your time and if you don’t catch on right away to soft belly or diaphragmatic breathing, it is OK. It is a new experience and our bodies take time to learn. Practice patience with yourself. Your body and mind will notice. The body has its own learning time, and it is SLOW, unlike our minds that travel at high speed.

When you are more relaxed, you can begin to identify the source(s) of stress in your life. Sometimes the sources are easily identifiable, such as a deadline at work, a pile of unpaid bills, a difficult relationship, a loss, a death, a major life change (i.e. new job, marriage, birth of a child, moving to a new home, etc). If it is difficult to identify the source(s) of your stress at first, just tell yourself that it’s okay and step back. Try to maintain a relaxed, patient, openness and acceptance to whatever arises from within you on its own. Don’t push. Just allow clarity to emerge without pressure. This is a major accomplishment in our high intensity world! Remember to let your breathing begin to slow down as you observe it. You will begin to come into balance

Keep a Stress Awareness Journal: For some people, writing helps create some distance and allows more thoughtful responses and less reactivity. Using three columns, write down three situations that trigger feelings of stress in the first column. Note the level of your reactions: low, medium, or high stress in the second column. In the third column, briefly describe what action you have taken or want to take to address the stressful event.

Step 2: Discover Ways to Reduce the Stress in Your Life We cannot get rid of stress altogether, but we can change how we react to it, which will result in decreasing our stress response. Much of the episodic, acute stress and chronic stress – the stress that damages our health – can be reduced with the use of new information and behaviors – organization techniques, time management, relationship skills, and other healthy lifestyle choices.

To prevent stress, especially chronic stress, from damaging your health, emotional well being, and your life, it is important to insure that your body does not continuously experience excessive states of physiological arousal. When you slow down and notice what your body and mind are experiencing, you can shift away from this unhealthy state of tension. You now will have the opportunity to practice your tools of relaxation. Breathe deeply, or visualize a relaxing image or place. Notice how your body responds. Instead of deepening the stress response, you are giving your mind and body the opportunity to readjust, and strengthen new neural pathways of relaxation.

Learn Healthy Ways to Relieve Stress
If you gradually and gently change your habits and practice relaxation techniques, your body to be less stressed. The sooner you begin to consistently use stress management skills, not just when the pressure is on, the quicker your system will return to a balanced or normal state when you experience severe stress. Knowing how to “de-stress” when things are relatively calm helps you to approach challenging circumstances more calmly when they arise.

Stress Reduction Activities You May Explore:

• Breathing exercises- To relieve pressure, relax and rebalance your system, practice deep breathing for a few minutes on and off during the day. There are many different conscious breathing practices to reduce stress and increase concentration. Through practice, reading, and attending workshops, you will discover the ones that work best for you.

• Practice thought substitution. You can increase your sense of well-being and relaxation by consciously shifting your attention away from the magnet of stresses to a non-charged, peaceful focus.
  
  
• Incorporate regular exercise that suits your body and life style into your daily routine. Walking is a great way to get started. Consider yoga, pilates, aerobics, Tai Chi, swimming, dancing, and weight bearing training among others. All of these activities increase blood flow, bringing fresh oxygen to every cell of your entire body. During these activities, we have the opportunity to shift our focus away from daily stress. Try to leave your preoccupations outside the gym or studio so that your entire system, including your brain, can experience the full benefits of your activity. You are giving yourself a break to allow and enhance a healthy mind and body.
  
  
• Focus on an enjoyable memory or picture. Visualize a place where you felt relaxed or imagine a place you dream of visiting. Recall a humorous situation or story. Chuckle. Laugh. An amazing shift will occur in your nervous system creating a greater sense of ease.
  
  
• Meditate. Take some time, even a few minutes, to sit and observe your nasal or belly breathing; regularly and calmly returning your focus to your breath when your usual thoughts tempt you away. Smile and let your body know you are taking time to relax. A few moments of meditation, or focusing on visualization will help clear your mind. You will return to your task refreshed, with more energy. With regular practice you will notice that you have increased your calmness and creativity. 
  
  
• Make sounds and sighs. Long AHHHHs are great for the lungs and helps to discharge toxins as well as stress.
  
  Sing or HUMMMM a song. This is a mood elevator and can shift the nervous system into regulation.
  
  
• Read inspiring or humorous passages in your favorite book. Shift your brain waves.
  
  
• Laugh. Recall humorous situations or jokes on a daily basis. Watch what happens to your mood and outlook, and sense your body’s response.

Step 3: Learn Healthy Attitudes and Behaviors to Relieve Stress
If it is so simple, why don’t we all just shift our focus, relax more, de-stress, and enjoy life just as it is. In fact, there has been very little in our lives, and culture to reinforce this wisdom. Our culture reinforces quite the opposite. Most people feel that to be happy, they must push through stressful situations, ignoring their very real needs. Our bodies and minds inevitably pay a dear price for this life-style. 

We would all like to be more optimistic, and approach life with a more positive outlook. We just haven’t had practice being confident or positive. We can begin by thinking of change as normal, and even inevitable. When faced with setbacks, instead of feeling defeated, we can search for inherent lessons. Mistakes, others, and ours can offer us the opportunity to learn and grown. In these ways we will gradually move away from our negative conditioning and start to look at our lives through a brighter lens. With practice we know it is possible, although not always easy, to change stress inducing thought patterns. These changes take time.

We are Wired for Connection
Science has affirmed that humans are physiologically wired for human, social connection. We need others and they need us. If we confide in others, they have the opportunity to be there for us. When we ask for and accept support from people who care about us, we not only strengthen our connection to them but we also find comfort in knowing that we are not alone but part of the human family. Talking about our thoughts and feelings reduces our level of stress. We all need to remember that reaching out to others is strength, rather than ascribe to the belief that it is weak and inappropriate to “air our dirty laundry in public.” Isn’t air exactly what laundry needs?  

Get involved with others. Join groups for connection and support. You might attend classes in Stress Reduction, Time Management or Anger Management to support your goal to change old unhealthy patterns. Groups can be very supportive of new behaviors. 

Suggestions to Help you Change Stress Inducing Attitudes, Beliefs, Feelings and Behaviors:

• Give yourself time-outs and take brief mental vacations: Begin by taking a few deep belly breaths first. You can use counting: i.e. four counts inhalation, four counts exhalation and notice the effects. 
  
  
• Diminish your time worrying: When you notice yourself in a worry pattern, try shifting 95% of your attention to a pleasing object in the room, holding 5% of your worry for a few minutes or as long as you choose. Notice any shifts in your nervous system no matter how tiny. Notice how your viewpoint and perceptions can open up as you let go of your worries, shift your focus and allow your nervous system to relax a little. It takes time. The body’s time is very slow, unlike a racing mind. 
  
  
• Learn to effectively problem solve: By learning to solve problems in a healthier way, you greatly diminish your stress level. 
  
  
• Set Goals: We work more effectively by identifying smaller steps to achieve our goals. Arranging projects and assignments into small pieces and doing a small amount of work on a regular basis is perhaps one of the best ways to prevent becoming overwhelmed by a project or problem.
  
  
• Take one task or project at a time: This gives us a sense of mastery. Avoiding what we need to do increases stress. Our entire body becomes tense even if we try ignoring our responsibilities.
  
  
• Manage time constraints: When we take the time to make a schedule, and prioritize what is most important on our to do list, we get more done and we feel better. In our high-pressured world it is easy for people to think they should able to do more and thus over schedule themselves. Without realizing it, we are creating chronic stress for ourselves that ultimately results in our being less efficient and effective.
  
  
• Take positive action to solve problems and you will reduce your stress. We do our best work without strain when we are staying in the present moment remaining calm.

  Stress Reduction Tips for Daily Life:

• Bring something beautiful into your life everyday, e.g.: flowers, a favorite picture, or painting.
  
  
• Nurture your sense of humor. This helps us to avoid sweating the small stuff.
  
  
• Set aside time for enjoyable activities on a regular basis, e.g. take a leisurely bath, read a book, spend time with your pet, lunch with a friend, get a massage.
  
  
• Volunteer. Helping others is a great stress reliever. It can increase a sense of caring connection from the heart – a great healer for the body, mind and spirit.

When Should I Seek Help to Deal With My Stress?
You may wish to address your issues or situation with a trained professional. A professional is a calm, objective outside resource that can help you sort out your feelings and thoughts and change the unhealthy patterns that cause or maintain your stress. In individual, group or family therapy you can develop more clarity about your issues, learn to be more patient with yourself and others and master the attitudes and skills you need to address your problems. A skilled professional, as well as fellow group members, can help you address the stress in your life, identify your options, and proceed more calmly and clearly. 

The experienced psychotherapists at Metropolitan Psychotherapy and Family Counseling Practice can help you deal with the stress in your life, find effective solutions and reclaim your creativity and equilibrium. Please call us at: 212-228-2929. 

Note: The information found in this article regarding the effects of stress and the use of relaxation techniques is not meant as a substitute for medical care. If you have any health concerns, please consult your doctor before following any suggestions in this article. 

It is important to know your local resources for emergencies, including hotlines and hospital emergency rooms. Should you experience thoughts of harming yourself or others, or unusual and intense mental or physical symptoms, please contact your doctor, go to the nearest emergency room or call 911. 



What is Stress?

Stress can be defined as any type of change that causes physical, emotional or psychological tension.

Stress is an unavoidable, normal part of life, like the air we breathe. It can either help us learn and grow or cause us problems. We experience stress in varying forms and degrees, occasionally, or perhaps daily. When we face obstacles or challenges, when we feel pressured, overwhelmed or powerless, unsure of how to meet demands, we experience stress. We may recognize this when tension manifests in our bodies: our hearts beat faster, our breath becomes shallow and rapid, and we may perspire. Some of us may be so focused on performance that we do not notice the symptoms until we collapse in exhaustion, or become ill.

Some stress in moderate doses can actually be beneficial to us. Eustress is the type of stress that helps us feel alive, excited and energized. Eustress enables us to react quickly, work hard, and have fun. Most of us experience this type of stress as enjoyable, even exciting. We may feel eustress when we are creative, when we compete in a sport, ride a roller coaster, or fall in love. Eustress provides the fuel we need to remain focused and alert. It helps motivate us to do our best, enabling us to successfully meet important challenges and responsibilities. Eustress fuels us when we are giving a presentation and drives us to study hard for exams. It motivates us to win a race or finish an important job on time.

Although just enough stress can be a good thing, stress overload is a different story - too much stress is not good for anyone. When life's demands exceed our abilities to cope, we feel over-stressed. We are then experiencing Acute Stress. When stress seems never-ending and inescapable, we are experiencing Chronic Stress. There is increasing scientific evidence that acute and chronic stress weaken our immune system, making it harder for us to remain healthy and fight off disease. We become moody, tense, anxious and depressed. Our ability to perform diminishes, our strength decreases and our relationships suffer. If we don't take positive action, acute and chronic stress is likely to create or worsen health problems. 

There are many stress reduction approaches. We would like to offer you the opportunity to practice relaxation and stress reduction if you choose to do so now. The paragraphs in italics at the beginning of the first section and one at the end of the last section, reminds and guides the reader in one approach. You may begin shifting your own nervous system into the relaxation response by regularly practicing this or another approach of your choice.   

As you read through the following sections, we invite you to stop periodically and notice how your body is responding. Observe your breathing, heart rate, and any tension you feel in your body, as well as your thoughts and feelings. Take a few minutes to focus on your breathing. Has it speeded up or slowed down? Is it shallow or not? Is there increased tension or heat in your body? If you notice these stress reactions, stop reading and close your eyes. Practice breathing slowly and deeply from your belly for a few moments before continuing to read. Shift your focus entirely on your belly, relaxing as you breath deeply and gently. Deep breathing shifts your nervous system from a sympathetic tensing reaction to parasympathetic relaxation response. In this way you are in more balance and are calming your mind and body. Repeat this way of breathing off and on as you read. 

If you prefer, look around the room and find an object, animal, or plant you enjoy observing and focus there. Notice any shift in your breathing, heart rate, and areas where tension was held earlier. You may want to listen to soft relaxing music. Perhaps, at intervals, you can imagine yourself in a peaceful place. Use this as an opportunity to practice awareness and self-regulation, which strengthen healthy neural pathways in your brain and change your body’s habitual stress reaction to a calmer state.

How Does Stress Affect Your Body and Your Health?
Like all animals, when we perceive threat or danger our body responds by producing powerful neurochemical hormones (adrenalin, cortisol) that prepare us for action. These chemicals speed up our heart and our breathing, raise our blood pressure and metabolism, and slow down digestion. Blood vessels open wider to let more blood flow to large muscle groups, putting our muscles on alert. Pupils dilate to improve our vision. The liver releases some of its stored glucose to increase our body’s energy. We sweat to cool our body down. All of these physical changes prepare us to react quickly and effectively to handle the pressure of the moment and give us a burst of energy and strength.

This process is called the “fight-or-flight”, or “stress response”. We are prepared to fight and defend ourselves or run away from the danger; necessary options for us to respond effectively during emergency situations. Working properly, the body’s stress response enhances our ability to perform well under pressure and helps us rise to the challenge at hand. When the crisis is over, our nervous system is wired to return to balance, shifting gradually into the relaxation response. However, human beings, unlike animals in the wild, are capable of internalizing stress. This happens when our stress response freezes and fails to turn off, preventing our body from properly resetting itself. Current human brain research has demonstrated that if not properly discharged through the “fight or flight” response, stressful or traumatic experiences can become trapped in the nervous system, in turn leading to a variety of symptoms that may worsen over time if left unhealed. .  

There are times that we experience ongoing or long-term pressure, e.g. when we are coping with loss, with an end of a relationship, a divorce, chronic illness, or a change in our life situation such as a move, a change in job or school. These long-term stressful situations can produce a lasting, low level of stress, referred to as Chronic Stress. Our body remains in an activated state. On constant alert, our nervous system pumps out additional stress hormones over an extended period of time. Consequently, we are unable to flow back into a relaxation response and our normal, balanced state. Instead, our body’s reserves are depleted, our immune system is impacted, and we are unable to self heal. When chronically stressed we may feel overwhelmed, unable to cope, exhausted, tense, anxious, worried, fearful or depressed.

Health Effects
Stress can take many different forms, and can contribute to a variety of symptoms and illnesses. Recent research suggests that 60 to 90 percent of illness is stress related. Stress affects our health by damaging our immune system, compromising our ability to fight off disease and infection. Stress impacts our cardiovascular system, throws our digestion off balance, and interferes with conception and impacts our emotional and psychological well being. The first symptoms of stress may be relatively mild, like chronic headaches and increased susceptibility to colds. Our symptoms, if ignored are liable to worsen, leaving us vulnerable to more serious health problems.  

Excess stress can manifest itself in a variety of physical, emotional, and behavioral symptoms that vary enormously among different individuals. What constitutes overwhelming stress for one person may not be felt as stress by another. Likewise, the signs and symptoms of unprocessed and unmanaged stress will be different for each person. For example, some people become angry and let their anger out on others. Some people internalize their stress and develop eating disorders or substance abuse problems. People who have a chronic illness may find that their symptoms flare up when they are experiencing an overload of stress.

Common Physical Symptoms of Stress Overload Include:

Sleep or eating problems	Hair loss
Shortness of breath	Body tension
Muscle tension	Nausea and vomiting
Chronic headaches	Heart racing
Gastrointestinal disturbances	Dizziness or flushing
Excessive fatigue, tiredness	Tremulousness or restlessness
Chronic pain	Hyperventilation or choking sensation
Chest pain or pressure	Weight gain or loss

Medical Conditions and Illness Associated With or Exacerbated by Stress Include:

Migraines	Diabetes	Ulcers
Heartburn	High blood pressure	Back pain
Allergies and Asthma	Skin problems	Heart disease
Tooth and gum disease	Pre-Menstrual Syndrome	Obesity
Infertility	Autoimmune diseases	Irritable bowel syndrome

 

Emotional and Behavioral Symptoms Associated With Stress
Uncontrollable, unpredictable, and long-term stress has far-reaching consequences on our mental health as well as our physical health. The body’s response to long-term stress rewires the brain; creating and deepening stress induced neural pathways. We are left feeling more vulnerable to everyday pressures and less able to cope. Over time, without taking positive steps to create and deepen our relaxation neural pathways, the stress response can lead to, and increase, mental health problems.

Mental and Emotional Problems Associated With Stress Include:

• Feeling emotionally unregulated or out of control
• Agitation, nervousness, feeling pressured
• Distraction, disorganization
• Excessive worry or obsessive thoughts
• Overly self-absorbed
• Feeling disconnected from others
• Anxiety or panic attacks
• Depression
• Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness
• Changes in eating habits, including over and under-eating
• Loss of enthusiasm or energy
• Difficulty sleeping
• Changes in eating habits including over and under eating
• Sexual dysfunction
• Thoughts of harming self or others
• Bouts of anger

Unhealthy Behaviors Associated With Stress
People under stress have a greater tendency to engage in unhealthy behaviors, such as:

• Excessive use or abuse of alcohol or drugs
• Smoking cigarettes
• Poor nutritional habits
• Rushing through daily activities such as eating, working, walking
• Over dependence on outside stimulation to feel good (coffee, sweeteners, food, TV, internet; money; sex, work, shopping, gambling)

When we desperately try to relieve our stress and its symptoms, we may fall into a “vicious cycle” of reacting to events by trying to escape our feelings and symptoms with unhealthy behaviors. These behaviors actually increase the severity of our stress by increasing our reactivity and sensitivity to life’s events.

The good news is that new brain science teaches us that we can redesign our brain. Scientists now know that the human brain is not completely set at birth or early childhood. Instead the brain, like other muscles in our body, can change in response to new behaviors as well as to prescribed medications. You may have heard about the two key laws of brain plasticity: “Neurons that fire together, wire together,” and “neurons that fire apart wire apart.” In other words, by replacing an unhealthy pattern of behavior with a healthy and pleasurable one, our brains form a new circuit that can be gradually reinforced. Moreover, by not acting on an unhealthy impulse, we weaken the link between the compulsion and the idea that it will ease our anxiety.

Major Risk Factors For Stress
The presence of a stressor does not automatically result in disabling stress symptoms. The degree to which any stressful situation or event impacts your daily functioning depends partly upon the nature of the stressor itself and partly on your own personal and external resources. If you know which factors contribute to your stress level, you will be able to better focus your attention on the areas that need to change. 

The Intensity of Your Stress Depends On:

• Nature of the stressor: if it involves central aspects of your life (family, job) and if it is a chronic issue
• Crisis: sudden intense situations (attack, rape, robbery, disasters)
• Multiple stressors: the more life changes and daily pressures increase, the more stress you experience
• Perception: how you view the stress, your attitude in general effects how it impacts you.
• Knowledge: how much understanding and knowledge you have regarding your situation affects how well you can cope.
• Stress Tolerance: the more confidence you have in yourself and your ability to persevere, the better able you will be to cope.
• Support Network: a strong network of supportive friends and family provides a buffer against life’s stressors. The more lonely or isolated you are, the higher your risk of reacting in unhealthy ways to stress. Any type of spiritual resource or community can enhance resilience in difficult times.

Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Human beings respond to trauma differently from animals in the wild due to human brain’s ability to internalize and repress our natural responses of “fight or flight.” Unaware that we are physically, mentally and emotionally stuck in a fight or flight mode, our trauma is literally trapped in our bodies. Equilibrium is not regained and our system does not return to a normal balance. We may remain unaware that we are hypervigilent or disconnected. Our lives gradually become more constricted. This persistent, debilitating reaction to trauma, that can range from subtle to severe, is known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many people, in the days and weeks following exposure to a traumatic event, have some symptoms of PTSD that gradually disappear. Many others experience long lasting symptoms without relief.

Events that can trigger traumatic reactions or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Include:

• Accidents
• Military combat or living in war zones
• Violent personal assaults such as rape or mugging
• Intense, repetitive family conflicts, or violence (verbal and physical)
• Chronic emotional or physical abuse
• Natural or human caused disasters
• Surgery and anesthesia
• Chronic illness
• Sexual abuse
• Loss and death of significant others
• Emotional and physical neglect in childhood

Common Symptoms of PTSD Include:

• Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, or nightmares about the traumatic event
• Avoidance of places and things associated with the trauma
• Mental, physical and emotional hypervigilance for signs of danger
• Chronic irritability, tension, anxiety
• Depression
• Emotional numbness
• Sleep/Eating disturbances
• Outbursts of Anger
• Survivor’s Guilt

In recent years, a variety of therapeutic treatment modalities have been specifically developed to treat trauma and PTSD. These treatments include: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Somatic Experiencing, Progressive Exposure, medication, and other supportive approaches such as body work, yoga, relaxation techniques, energy healing, and visualization can help ameliorate the symptoms of PTSD.  

(You may want to take time again to stop reading and close your eyes. Continue to build your practice of noticing and sensing how your body is responding to this information. If you notice some tension in your body begin to take some slow deep breaths, softening your belly, slowing and deepening your breathing. You may begin to notice a shift toward less tension and more relaxation spreading through parts of your body. You are practicing developing your neural pathways for relaxation. If you choose to continue reading, your comprehension will be enhanced as your system has shifted from constriction to more flow.)